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I'm so frightened. I admit. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I know I've been avoiding it, but I can't. My parents are making that fantastically obvious.
I need a job. I need a life. But I don't know what to do...
Why is this so hard? Why is it? Why am I such an idiot?
I know I spent most of my free time playing games when I should be looking for a job, I know it, but I just..I can't do it. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid.
What if I mess up? What if I get the job and something happens to me? I sound so immature, being so scared out of my mind. I feel like such a wreck.
Some people would say do it with a friend or family emember maybe, but no one lives here and it seems like all my friends are busy. I can't ask them...I feel like I'd be whining too much. Me...not being able to do something. It's so horrible sounding to me. To admit that. But I can't do it I can't. I want to so bad, but I'm so FUCKING scared...
I've looked a little...I just want to go to school and just stay at home, away from people. Away from faces and hide.
I'm not much of a people person. I'm terrible at communicating in person. I clam up or make an idiot out of myself. And I know, everyone else does too, and lots of people think that and gotta face the fear and all that shit.
And I don't fucking care..! It's about me this time, dammit.
I'm told I'm not selfish by my friends, but I act that way all the time, I just use everything and I know it. But it's like I set out to change it and I just fail so terribly.. I fail my parents and my friends, what little still I have. And I still bitch and whine about it but I can't do it. And when others hold my hand...or...something like that I just...fall apart. I don't do it. I blank out, I nod and smile and stare and then throw a fit about what's happened later.
Gad I want to take a fork and stab my fuckng brain so much. As hard as it is, I really hate my stupid brain. I really do.
I hate being crazy. I hate being called it. I hate being alluded to that I am. I hate being alone. I hate being stupid. I hate when I whine, lie, take up other's time for stupid reasons, cry, I hate being weak. I hate being used. I hate it. I hate it...
I feel like I'm just caught in my own damn nightmare because I made it. I did. I was the idiot. But..I don't do anything about it.
I shame myself so much more by just going on and on.
It's so dumb. I mean, even now the one thing that keeps coming to my head is that I'm totally lonely, even in my parent's house. They left again a little bit ago, to go to my dad's office. They didn't even say anything to me, I just watched them drive away. Heard them mention it to each other before they left, so that's how I know that..
But even when they are here...I just. So many expectations. That's all we've ever had is being expected to do it and I can't do it anymore. I'm just stuck in a stupid ass cycle where I can't get myself out of it. I've buried myself in too far and I set myself up. My stupid personality is such a perfectionist sometimes. And I'm such a DAMN DAMN WIMP.
I want to change. I really want to. But I know it's gone on too long to. I really want to but I've tried and I can't...
...I'm just going to stop whining now...
I really need someone to like shoot me or something..
I need a job. I need a life. But I don't know what to do...
Why is this so hard? Why is it? Why am I such an idiot?
I know I spent most of my free time playing games when I should be looking for a job, I know it, but I just..I can't do it. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid.
What if I mess up? What if I get the job and something happens to me? I sound so immature, being so scared out of my mind. I feel like such a wreck.
Some people would say do it with a friend or family emember maybe, but no one lives here and it seems like all my friends are busy. I can't ask them...I feel like I'd be whining too much. Me...not being able to do something. It's so horrible sounding to me. To admit that. But I can't do it I can't. I want to so bad, but I'm so FUCKING scared...
I've looked a little...I just want to go to school and just stay at home, away from people. Away from faces and hide.
I'm not much of a people person. I'm terrible at communicating in person. I clam up or make an idiot out of myself. And I know, everyone else does too, and lots of people think that and gotta face the fear and all that shit.
And I don't fucking care..! It's about me this time, dammit.
I'm told I'm not selfish by my friends, but I act that way all the time, I just use everything and I know it. But it's like I set out to change it and I just fail so terribly.. I fail my parents and my friends, what little still I have. And I still bitch and whine about it but I can't do it. And when others hold my hand...or...something like that I just...fall apart. I don't do it. I blank out, I nod and smile and stare and then throw a fit about what's happened later.
Gad I want to take a fork and stab my fuckng brain so much. As hard as it is, I really hate my stupid brain. I really do.
I hate being crazy. I hate being called it. I hate being alluded to that I am. I hate being alone. I hate being stupid. I hate when I whine, lie, take up other's time for stupid reasons, cry, I hate being weak. I hate being used. I hate it. I hate it...
I feel like I'm just caught in my own damn nightmare because I made it. I did. I was the idiot. But..I don't do anything about it.
I shame myself so much more by just going on and on.
It's so dumb. I mean, even now the one thing that keeps coming to my head is that I'm totally lonely, even in my parent's house. They left again a little bit ago, to go to my dad's office. They didn't even say anything to me, I just watched them drive away. Heard them mention it to each other before they left, so that's how I know that..
But even when they are here...I just. So many expectations. That's all we've ever had is being expected to do it and I can't do it anymore. I'm just stuck in a stupid ass cycle where I can't get myself out of it. I've buried myself in too far and I set myself up. My stupid personality is such a perfectionist sometimes. And I'm such a DAMN DAMN WIMP.
I want to change. I really want to. But I know it's gone on too long to. I really want to but I've tried and I can't...
...I'm just going to stop whining now...
I really need someone to like shoot me or something..
depressed
I think you should take it at your own pace. Instead of trying to run away from it, I think you should try to "face" it, but at your own pace. Not the perceived "perfected" pace.
And your parents seem to be over demanding and scrutinizing. My parents were like that. Maybe that causes social phobia? Or slow development?
Yea you are alone, and when you are alone, I believe your problems magnify putting you in a delusional state. It's not crazy, it's a perfectly plausible outcome.
Do you have a family member you can talk to? You should find someone to talk to, where you won't be afraid to talk about yourself (i.e. how low self esteem you have and what you think about yourself).
Most people would suggest a therapist, but to me they never helped. I've had to figure everything out myself, and that's the real way it works I suppose.
I was almost exactly like you, afraid of people and avoiding, unable to communicate well. I became a shut-in... there's a popular term in the wiki encyclopedia about it, and is a common issue in people especially in Japan.
Like I said, I believe the important thing is to ignore what everyone else expects of you and go at your OWN PACE. If you think you can't then don't. I think what you need is a helping hand to give you a little shove to get you started. Sometimes we all need help.
I'll try to help as best I can but sometimes help from internet only goes so far...