Frozen Dreamer

New ways to get around saying "porn" outright

2007-06-15T20:35:30Z

Me an' Laurel figured, after numerous misspellings, that so far we've got two new ways to say "porn". Or "pron" as the time may be. Or smut.
Or whatever.
One comes from typing in the dark.
RPM.
The other comes from last night as Laurel's dad heard some funny noises from her room (with her hubby in there, weirdos).
Heart attack.

XDD HAHAA

MmmYes.

2007-06-09T23:48:02Z

It's Ryan's birthday.
And I have no officially beaten Sephiroth on the FF7 game. D: No more virgin for me.
...but now I ish been all the sadness. *emo* Why does he have to die so saaaaaaaaaaadly like? He was all like "ee..? o-o" and you're all like "*growls because I am MANZ*" and you're all like..."Nuuuuuuu~"
...poor Sephy.
Going back to the hole now. XD

Hello, Florida.

2007-06-01T16:35:52Z

XD Even though I've been here since like....a week ago today. :P But only have had the 'net for like....two days, minusing today. :D Because basically I just woke up.
So yah. Moved to Florida, land of beaches and palm trees and parks.
And lizards. And fire ants. And really, really hot weather. Bleeehhh. Droughts do suck, especially in the south, I'd forgotten about 'em. 0~0;;
So yeah, existing and debating, doing really good considering. There are some really shitty emotional problems that like to explode all over the place, myself included. *clean self off again*
On top of that...I'd just like to say a few words:
Nibble!
Oddment tweak!
Burble brains and moolah!
Thank you.

Rude Awakening

2007-04-16T16:30:22Z

..because really. Going from laughing and talking at 3 in the morning to getting up and finding out at about 8 - 9ish that the crying you've been hearing since 7 is about your life...
Yeah.
Again...why does this happen? Maybe there is something to be learned in it, but...not to Laurel and Ryan. Why did this happen to them? They're great people. They fucking took me in, for fuck's sake! Why them?
For you guys, I'll explain...
Ryan and Laurel were doing okay, but because of my life, they...did the unthinkable and took me on with no job and nothing to give them in return, and expecting nothing from me. So it was made aware that while Ryan had his job, it would be really nice that if I could, get a job alongside Laurel, who was trying to get a job as well, having quit her previous one to be able to be back in Ft. Collins again with her hubby (long story).
So this morning Ryan gets laid off. And neither Laurel or I have gotten any call backs from any of the jobs we applied for. It was only about 5 minutes ago that Laurel even got a phone call, shockingly enough, about a job.
But because of this...she can't take the part-time job, she has to get the full-time one. And...holy...
...we may end up leaving to Florida. Laurel's dad has offered us a place there. (And yeah, us. As in Ryan, Laurel, and me...which...just fucking blows my mind..I'm not even remotely related to them, just a psycho friend..and...Florida..? Oh gad...)
..so..yeah...loads of great fun today.
Sparta?
I'm going to crawl into a corner and try not to cry now, excuse me..

SPARRTAAAA

2007-04-16T01:59:33Z

...For 300 was just that much fun.
lolz Faramir and the Phantom.
But omg they were all fricktastically ripped. o-0 WOW.
And the Persians. With their outfits of chains (SUBLIMINAL SLAVERY/BONDAGE OMG *die laughing*) and gold and psychotic monsters of cool.
It gave me many fighting/battle ideas.
MmSpartans.
MmSpartans and their wives. >D Hahaha.
I shut up now.

Long time no drabble

2007-04-07T18:06:33Z

Because apparently I'm in Colorado now. :D
So yeah. Life is good. No more insanity.
And why is the Icey in Colorado now? Like....about a week and a day ago, I had the best fight ever with my mum. Much yelling. And much threatening.
So yeah. Now I'm in Colorado with a friend and her hubby. Thank GOODNESS. Y^Y I love my parents but....holy SHIT, enough is enough.
Time that I moved on out, got a job and went to a college that mattered. So here I will be until I am an official resident of Colorado then I shall be going to college. :)
...ZOMG I miss mah other friends too. ;^; I wuv you Tivka and Marianne! *hand wibble*
BUT HEY! No more being accused of something I'm not even told about! w00t!
YEaaaHHH!

It finally happpened.

2007-02-25T00:45:03Z

...I guess it really was only inevitable...
My grandmother, Fern L. Towers Roberts has finally died. She was 84 and was dying of congestive heart failure anyway...
..I'm glad she didn't suffer too long. The last time I saw her I nearly bawled my eyes out...

Oy Serena

2007-02-21T04:12:46Z

Found yer stoof on page 842 :3
</end>

Farwell Onze, I knew ye Well. RIP BUDDEH!

2007-01-31T03:27:57Z

...Mah black rat snake has died because...mah daddeh made a lil mistake and put mah snakie under the heating lamp inside the cage when he was already inside a plastic box....(to eat, because he was picky. And hell, might have not even been a he, but a bitch anyway you looked at it.)

...I uvs J000OOoOooooo!

TT^TT

Free Drawingz

2007-01-19T23:41:59Z

You heard meh. I've been in a rather drawing mood lately, and though I can't really promise more than a headshot or so, you'll more than likely at least get something out of me. ;)
Want a little picture of something? Fanart, original?
What?
Speak and I shall do my darndest to deliver to thee.

It has happened

2007-01-19T23:39:14Z

...I've now seen a guy who came into Jack in the Box who looks like Jason Isaacs.
I lie not. Give Isaacs back his more Captain Hook flair (including a bit of that awesomely sezzy, curly, dark hair), dress him in black, give him a hat, and tattoo around his neck. Yeah. It was Mr. Isaacs. I wish I had a freaking camera.

Contemplation of the last year and such...

2007-01-06T07:35:03Z

Finally I get around the grand daddy of annoying entries I've to make and post.
So yeah. This last year (since New Year's has passed and my birthday is a lot closer...) has been...interesting.
A lot has changed.
I guess I've changed. I don't know. I know things aren't coming as easy as they used to. I just can't bring myself to draw as much; things get hard to write and I'm more emotional and prone to making an ass out of myself (though I suspect I was always inclined to that sort of behavior).
This last year as been hell because a "friend" took advantage of my dad's unknowningness, honesty and generosity (as my dad has been amazing this past year...just wow. A real big shout out to him, for it was his birthday not two days ago) and everything else, and now he's got nothing. No retirement, no money. Barely hanging on and somehow he still manages to have more good days out of bad ones.
My mum is nicer too though the paranoid parent and chronic punishing me thing seems to have gotten worse at times. *sigh* Still love ya mom, just wish....things were a little different sometimes.
My friend got divorced and is managing alright on her own, thankfully, though brain wise our Residential crazies have...been anything but....
I've been lonlier lately. Feeling a bit more seperate from those I used to talk to a lot. I guess it doesn't help when I'm here and they're that ways far away and have homework and more important things to do than humor me...
But I got a job and have been hit on (by someone I really don't want to, believe me. Knew him in school. And the guy is a bit of a weirdo. 9_9;; oy), actually went to a dance where I didn't hyperventilate when there were ones before where I HAVE.
Got a computer for Christmas (it's the one I've always been using so, I didn't celebrate too much, but I am glad I have it. I'll need my precious...), rediscovered the fact that I still really have no interest in porn...yeah.
There are lots of things.
And maybe....despite how much some of them have sucked (I think there have been more "SUCK" situations than "WIN" ones), I guess...I kinda look forward to this year, scared out of my wits as I may be.
I still want to get back into college but really haven't been pushing for it much...though my excuse is I feel less than qualified to even try.
I don't know...this year has been good it's just...there's a lot I wish I could change and be different about and...I'm not.
I wish I wasn't the lonely moron sitting around and just going to a job at a fast food place...I wish I could somehow prove to myself I was better than that and that maybe I was worth some of the attention I get from people and such...
I just want to be able to do things.
I'm not really sad right now, just...contemplative. About a lot of things at once.
I still feel like...now...that maybe I'm further away from my "friends" than what I thought. I guess it's kinda scary, but...I haven't made any new ones at all, and I suppose they're all I have left to call up and go "GUESS WHAT!?" and hope they'll want to hear what I have to say.
I don't go to school, and even when I did (college) it wasn't very active either. I guess I just hid a lot...
*sigh* I do try to change and I know by this I probably sound like I only whine but...really. I try...and....it's just not good enough.
I dunno. I think my headache is making this sound worse than it is. *throbbing brains*
...guh.
The reason I have it is because I just watched the Endless Waltz and the first DVD and like....two episodes on the second of Gundam Wing with a bunch of newbs. I feel rather funny sharing things with non-animegoers, but there you have it. Fun thing is, they like it. And most of the ones who've seen it so far are guys. ;) Guess it's really not just for girls, eh peeps? *thinking of some of the guys who like to blow fits about it on the net - "Iz FAGWING" 9-9 oy*
...and I have really been staring a lot at the innuendo between Zechs and Noin, HOLY CRAP. I don't know if it's just the voices the actors would make whilst in their roles or whatever but OH. hOLY. CRAP. Honestly, I'm surprised that Zechs and Noin aren't like...MAKING OUT in the middle of the series after just watching the beginning episodes and the movie...*shake head* It's all spicy and grrrr. Hawt.
Anyways...I was going to blab more about the year past...but...eh...
A lot of what catches me for the moment is the fact I'm going to be 19. Still. Then 20.
I guess I should be really frightened. I mean, I am...and...it's another year that goes by and I feel lonlier than normal. Gah. I sound like such a whiner...! But I'm Noooottt! I just...
I have issues, alright...X(;; It's just not really working out in my grand scheme of things...
agh!brainspainses!
....okay, I hassa go to bed before my head explodes.
I stop this random things

Happy Mormon New Year? XD

2006-12-31T08:14:04Z

So yeah. Went to a dance for and LDS New Year's party because...well New Year's is on a Sunday and to keep the Sabbath day holy they went ahead and did it tonight.

...not really that I'm complaining.
Okay, well, maybe at first.
About 99.9% of the time I am absolutely paranoid around other people and this time...eh. I dunno. It was okay and I was starting to get antsy when this slow song started up...and this totally random guy I'd been wiggling with previously (in the classical "I don't know how to dance but I am DAMN sure I look like an idiot so I do it anywayz!" style) suddenly just like...asked me to dance. XD It wasn't a SLOW dance it was more a llittle over the top, your cliche proclaim your romance high to the heavens kinda song. *snerkies*
So we're kinda dancing funky and stupid and twirling and generally dancing in the retarded way that anyone will do when you're trying to be cool and smooth whilst being retarded.
And I run into him a few times.
And one time I end up resting my head against his shoulder because of one of the aforementioned running into times. And he freaking HUGS me.
Like...that cinch...cute kinda hug that shojo mangas love to clench on.
...I think I about passed out....
I know now why I hate dances. Not only do I embaress easily but somehow there's always this random nice guy just like...LURKING around to find someone to dance with that would rather be in a fire ant hole than at THAT dance.
...and yeah. I'm just gonna crawl in a corner now.
I feel a little sad because well...I tried to tell my mum and...*sigh* I guess after all the crap they keep giving me about being pretty and girly and suddenly when I want to talk about this to my mum and all she's like is "Well, I'm glad you had a good time. Night..."
..I guess I kinda wanted to sit and be amazed with someone for a while.
I didn't really think someone would randomly just...DO THAT. Or even...just...nevermind...

Birthday eh?

2006-12-26T11:22:57Z

..I've got 16 days left till I'm nineteen and try to destroy the world with a mobile suit.
And have a really hot girlfriend because suddenly I'm 6'1, male, and blonde with blue eyes.
Not to mention I also have a friend who's my superior officier and we have...issues at times and challenge each other to life and death duels because I can't get him to leave me alone.
And this kid I admire is about 4 years younger than I am and he and my sister (who I will suddenly have, you realize; I'll be lacking parents at that point too) will have...something going on, I just know it. It's in the air. I can smell them pheremones from a mile away.
Yeah.
Dammit. Maybe I should like. Dig my own grave? ¬_¬ hmmm...

...Just babbling again.
Almost 19. Wow.
....I still feel like I'm two.

Noticed

2006-12-26T09:59:42Z

...I rarely write anything intelligent so I'm just reissuing this warning after 5.3 seconds of looking over my last post.
I MAKE LITTLE TO NO SENSE.
I am not brilliant with words, nor am I anywhere near the world's best writer page. Don't expect me to be clever or witty or whatever. In anything I do. I expect badness all the time out of myself because it is the badness always. No matter what I do. =~=
I like to write, babble and be weird. And look. I tell the truth to nothing! YAY.
..gad I really need some good books to read and fiction to write/read/draw.
...I'm going to shut up before someone big, black haired and tattooed decides I've had enough air for the day.
*giiiiggle*

...no I am NOT drunk.
...though I have been interested in drinking some wine lately....
..mmh.
Wine glasses to wine drinkers to Treize.
...oh sexy man in uniform, you defy existence.
As does Sephiroth. Wait.
What?
Oh crap. *waltzes off*

Live woot

2006-12-11T01:24:25Z

For I have had a job for a while now.
I work at Jack-in-the-Box AND I finally had someone at my house recently other than my parents. ;^;
Yay.
I R NOT DEAD.
Wewt.
Busy, however. Which is why I not around so much.

Yarr, here be angst. (ye be warned)

2006-11-17T06:30:55Z

I'm so frightened. I admit. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I know I've been avoiding it, but I can't. My parents are making that fantastically obvious.
I need a job. I need a life. But I don't know what to do...
Why is this so hard? Why is it? Why am I such an idiot?
I know I spent most of my free time playing games when I should be looking for a job, I know it, but I just..I can't do it. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid.
What if I mess up? What if I get the job and something happens to me? I sound so immature, being so scared out of my mind. I feel like such a wreck.
Some people would say do it with a friend or family emember maybe, but no one lives here and it seems like all my friends are busy. I can't ask them...I feel like I'd be whining too much. Me...not being able to do something. It's so horrible sounding to me. To admit that. But I can't do it I can't. I want to so bad, but I'm so FUCKING scared...
I've looked a little...I just want to go to school and just stay at home, away from people. Away from faces and hide.
I'm not much of a people person. I'm terrible at communicating in person. I clam up or make an idiot out of myself. And I know, everyone else does too, and lots of people think that and gotta face the fear and all that shit.
And I don't fucking care..! It's about me this time, dammit.
I'm told I'm not selfish by my friends, but I act that way all the time, I just use everything and I know it. But it's like I set out to change it and I just fail so terribly.. I fail my parents and my friends, what little still I have. And I still bitch and whine about it but I can't do it. And when others hold my hand...or...something like that I just...fall apart. I don't do it. I blank out, I nod and smile and stare and then throw a fit about what's happened later.
Gad I want to take a fork and stab my fuckng brain so much. As hard as it is, I really hate my stupid brain. I really do.
I hate being crazy. I hate being called it. I hate being alluded to that I am. I hate being alone. I hate being stupid. I hate when I whine, lie, take up other's time for stupid reasons, cry, I hate being weak. I hate being used. I hate it. I hate it...
I feel like I'm just caught in my own damn nightmare because I made it. I did. I was the idiot. But..I don't do anything about it.
I shame myself so much more by just going on and on.
It's so dumb. I mean, even now the one thing that keeps coming to my head is that I'm totally lonely, even in my parent's house. They left again a little bit ago, to go to my dad's office. They didn't even say anything to me, I just watched them drive away. Heard them mention it to each other before they left, so that's how I know that..
But even when they are here...I just. So many expectations. That's all we've ever had is being expected to do it and I can't do it anymore. I'm just stuck in a stupid ass cycle where I can't get myself out of it. I've buried myself in too far and I set myself up. My stupid personality is such a perfectionist sometimes. And I'm such a DAMN DAMN WIMP.
I want to change. I really want to. But I know it's gone on too long to. I really want to but I've tried and I can't...
...I'm just going to stop whining now...
I really need someone to like shoot me or something..

For the bunnies do not have lives.

2006-11-15T18:25:58Z

And neither do I, apparently. Hurhur.
Ahem. Lately it's been one thing after another, mostly running around and playing FF12, however.
I'm kinda supposed to be finding a job...kinda..erm...¬¬; yeaaah.
But FF12 owns me. And I want a PS3 and a new computer. And erm. I'd have to get a job to do that....
...But I DON'T WANNA WORK AT JACK IN THE BOX. UGHHHHH. NUUUU. *complainwhine*
I just. blargh. Why whilst the places I really want to work at not call me baaaaaaaaccck? Then I could be happy. With books. Or music. I weep. TT^TT
...I has to do something though. My parents are coming back tomorrow. *SOB*
So lezzsee.
Need
Job.
NEED JOB.
*squeezes eyes shut and taps heels together three times* I do believe in spooks - ooops. erm.
*clickclickclick* There's noplacelikea joooob. There's noplacelikea JOBBBB.

Meet the fuzz

2006-10-26T15:24:23Z

Not that I'm like, posting pictures or anything. I has NO SCANNER.
NOOOOO.
..
Okay, I lied. But what I DID mean to say was that HEY! I has no computer. I'm using the one at the office.
I managed to kick me artses block (I think *knock on wood* as I have only really been working on 1 thing lately..) and now I have no computer.
Fail.
And my dad is closing his office which equals no monies.
More fail.
Must move and find job.
I weep. I have no idea what I'm doing.
TRA-LA-LA!!!
...I shall be happy, bammit.
I draw to make meself feel bettar. >_0;
*thwack*

(AKA: I'm still alive. ;_; Weep)

Pure strange

2006-10-10T14:25:33Z

Uh yeah.
I haven't been able to draw anything decent or sane in the past few months.
I fail at life.
Seriously. ¬¬;; This is an outlet that I need or I be insane.
And another thing...trying to get to move and go to college...the stress level. Why did noone tell me of this demon beforehand? I coulda shot myself and made things a whole damn lot easier.
I crawl into the abyssal now.

I don't know

2006-10-02T18:38:23Z

..I don't know anymore. I'm not writing this to anyone, I'm not really writing this for anyone.
I'm writing it for myself.
My pathetic, stupid self.
I'm afraid.
I'm falling apart on the inside while the outside does too. I don't know what to do anymore.
*sigh*
I guess I'll never get it out...

Realistically speaking...

2006-09-20T15:02:25Z

Because you JUST need to know what the crap this psycho has going on. XD

Ah. The week.
So yeah. This is life. Life is special. Life hates my soul. :3 No, seriously. *sigh*
Lack of inspiration, lack of anything really. I want to do things, but can't I want to be able to, but I can't.
I have to move out, I have to find an apartment, somehow, someway. This is bad for me because I am paranoia agent 101.
...and I, I am deh babble.
Seriously.
SOmetimes, I wonder as to when I'm actually gonna like...write something relevant?
...ih wait. I write when I actually HAVE something to write about.
Ooh.
Novel Idea.

I could try, yo?

2006-09-20T14:44:04Z

1.Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...

1. Do we know each other outside of Live Journal?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors of me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I'm a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I'm attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if i asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Oy.

2006-09-06T14:36:34Z

Man, what is it with me lately...? And what is it with all those in my head too? We're just bitching at each other left and right and nobody seems able to stay happy long enough at the same time others are happy! There's always gotta be someone depressed. >_>
This is really a friggen bother.
Blah...I don't know what to do, I'm lacking the emotional willpower to do jacksquat about anything. I mean, jeesh.
After last night you'd think I was insane because I spent most of it being upset. And stupid. Like usual.
gasp.
I don't know, I'm just babbling.

I'll write more later, I just lost whatever they hey I was gonna talk about or make excuses about to nobody.

It's not...

2006-08-26T22:56:05Z

...it's not really being "emo", or angsty, or goth. It's about numbness. Hurt. And unfortunately the internet is much more acessible and seems easier to rant in rather than on your own journal where no one, and nothing you say will make a difference. It's about a childish desire we all have to just..make an impact, be heard, where our innermost cravings for attention just kind of leak out. And maybe it's wrong and maybe it isn't, I don't know. It just is. People are emotional creatures with problems, issues, we're not perfect in spite of how much we'd like to believe it. It's about a frame of mind we have where nothing is right in that moment, we think of ourselves lower than you and the dust of the earth. We're nothing more than air being wasted on but we don't have the guts to go find that gun or that razor and just kill ourselves because this irritating someone is listening to us in the back of our heads and telling us to keep moving. This someone who cares. And why am I telling you this? Maybe it's to justify what I'm meaning to talk about, the thing is I'm also filling in space, more space that is needlessly wasted. Maybe I should just talk to the person, here and now. I'm not mentioning names but...they would maybe know, I don't know really. I keep to myself mostly, act like I do towards my parents. I'm numb, I hurt, I don't want to. So I'll smile and try to avoid it anyway. But I won't just go along with what you have to say to me. You may have noticed this. I may agree to it, or just smile and nod to something, but in the end I'm still no more willing, I'll just do it while cringing. What do you want me to do? Be "rebellious" and break everything I've ever known? Tear myself apart so I make myself the person you think I am? I'm not too terribly assertive about some things, I silently or sometimes not will snap. I don't appreciate it, I don't appreciate being pulled up only to then be told that you're not sure if I'm acting real to you or anyone else. I'm me. I've got different sides of me that make me. I'm more than just what you think I am. I love you, but you just can't take me trying to also understand myself at the same time. Maybe I'm just an idiotic fool to you, maybe I'm the annoying older one you can boss around. I don't like it, what you do. I try to share and get shot down. Don't YOU trust me? All I'm saying is to try and help you, you think I get some sick pleasure out of it? Must you ALWAYS be right and me always the scapegoat to you? I'm a person as well, I have mistakes, I'm lonely, clingy, needy, but dammit. Stop dragging me down after you lift me up. I don't come to you for that. If I have issues outside that moment, it's fine. It's about me. But...I suppose even in the moment it's my fault and I just should avoid you anyway. And you've maybe noticed I have been. I talk to you and I just clam up. What am I supposed to say? There's this sickening anticipation of waiting for thatt hammer to land in my path and say "NO. YOU'RE the one who's WRONG." What am I supposed to say that? I am a dependant personality that struggles to get beyond that. It's why I hate getting close to people. It's why I like those who live in my head more than those I talk to in physical form. Whatever...you'll probably never get this anyway. I'm done now.